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The 5 sex noises we should be doing.

So you’ve just changed a shitty nappy, made dinner, eaten dinner, washed the dishes and got the kids bathed and in bed. You retreat to your pillow like it’s a light bulb to a mosquito. Your head finally hits that pillow and you start to drift to sleep and it’s the happiest moment of your life! Only to be rudely awoken by the horrific feeling of someone kissing you on the neck. If this was done purely to say thanks for the hard work we’ve put in for the day it would be fine. But life isn’t that rosey, there’s only one reason why a man will nibble your ear or kiss your neck…… he wants to get laid .. which really just makes us want to do this:

Sooooooo apparently by making these 5 noises whilst doing it, will help you connect with your partner again.

PS – I need to tell you I have just read this from a science website and haven’t done any of the below. If you do let us know how you go lol. As I write these I am blushing and giggling like a school girl…

1) THE LOW MOAN

According to Science when the deed begins you have to let out a low throaty moan. Please be careful you don’t do it for to long as it can sound like a cow moo. This will make him think you’re into all kinds of weird stuff and may start a new fad. To avoid this a Throaty, low moan is required. I assume it’s a similar sound to when you’ve just started eating your favorite chocolate.This will let him know he’s doing a good job. Similar to a customer feedback form, but lie if you have to.

2) THE SATISFIED WHISPER

Psychologists tell us we need to be assertive and bossy but in a sensual way. The way you communicate whilst bouncing the monkey is how you communicate in real life. They tell us to whisper softly and sensually into his ear “That feels great.” “Keep doing that.” Which I feel bad about as the only thing I’ve really ever said is “Are you finished yet?” Soooooo yep, get your whisper on ladies, they love it.

3) THE SEX SIGH

If the guy is doing a good job, then you have to tell him. A sex sigh is how you let him know he was doing a great job and to go back to the spot he was on. HANG ON.. HANG ON.. I need to interrupt this blog with some bold font and challenge this one! I have been trying that old chestnut for years. And you know the old saying that men can’t do two things at once? I think this applies.. because whilst he’s doing…. that…. he’s not listening to my sexy sighs! Anyway, it’s according to Science. If it works for you let me know below and I will pop a party popper and have a party for you at my house.

4) THE HAPPY GRUNT

Does anyone have this in their head right now?

Apparently the noisier you are the more sexually confident you are. I assume it’s not like the grunt of a pig as that could be a turn off. I think it’s more the sound that you let out when you have some bread stuck in your throat.Scientists say to do this more at the end of your ‘adventure’ as it’ll indicate you are almost at the end of the highway if you know what I mean.

5) THE BIG FINISH

Sooooooo I’ve learnt today that doing it is similar to being at a rock concert. You show your appreciation for the performance by making noise at the end. The louder the ‘applause’ the more enjoyable it was. So drink some lemsip… have a lozenges and warm up those vocals chords sisters.

GOOD LUCK!!

Jess xxxxx

 

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